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You Call That a Crab Cake?

Dear States Other Than Maryland, I live in Maryland. Home of the crab. Crab dip, crab cakes, crab anything—We do it right. When you order a crab cake in Maryland, this is what you get: Note that there...

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Am I the Stinky Kid?

Dear Yogi Castle, Kiefer and I frequent our local Yogi Castle…well…frequently. They know us there. We get free drinks. We I have a nickname. We’re regulars. Despite our constant patronage, I’m...

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I’m a Cowboy-Alien, On a Steel Horse-UFO I Ride

Dear Aliens, Please stop stealing people from Earth. Here we call that “kidnapping,” and it’s illegal. In fact, pretty much everything you do is illegal. Not to mention just plain mean. When you visit,...

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Does This Look Infected to You?

Dear Esme the Cat, W. T. F.  How many times do I have to tell you? No playing with Mommy while she is in downward dog position. Does this look infected? Mommy needs that 25 minutes of yoga/pilates in...

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Dear Aliens, Please Abduct the Following People

Dear Aliens, I saw that you recently abducted Jean Claude Van Damme…and then brought him back. Seriously? You could have kept him. Please feel free to abduct the following people: Carrot Top Scarlett...

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This Is Why I Blog

The other day I read a new blog. It was funny, so I left a comment. When I returned the next day, I saw this. Here my initial thoughts when I read that post. Oooo…it says “stalkers” in the title....

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Johnny Depp: Single and Ready to Mingle

To Whom It May Concern Dear Boyfriend, I regret to inform that your window of opportunity has closed. You are no longer first in line as my future husband. Now that Johnny Depp is single, he’s moved to...

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Dear Tropical Storm Debby, Go Away.

Dear Tropical Storm Debby and Mother Nature, I’m not sure if you were aware or not, but this past weekend was my birthday weekend. I planned to spend a long weekend in Tampa filled with seeing my...

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My Cat’s Role Model Is Mike Tyson

Dear Esme, W. T. F. You suck. I’m so mad I can’t even talk to you right now. Not Sincerely, Thoughtsy Ms. Appear (We are no longer on a first name basis.) Does this look infected to you? Dear Esme,...

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Your Queue Has Been Reordered

Dear Everyone Else in the Entire World Other Netflix Subscribers, I need your help. It’s nearly Halloween, and I just started my annual Halloween movie marathon. Oops…. My bad. Last year I watched the...

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Dear Boobs

Dear Boobs, Please stop growing. Now.

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Help! My Baby is Twerking

My unborn child learned to twerk. Damn you, Miley Cyrus. Damn you.

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Who Snuck the Hooch to the Baby?

Someone's been drinking...and it wasn't me.

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